Monologue.

Me: Why can’t I trust people?

Voice: It is something that’s developed over time. You don’t come in with trust. People do put faith and trust into someone and they might fall on their face and regret. Chances are less that you don’t get ditched.

Me: I understand people being paranoid and cynical. But there has to be a limit. I don’t know. People change also. I just want to cut off from everyone and run away. Be a nomad. And just move around here and there do odd chores, use my skills to help people out and learn and be on my own. Even as a kid I have always fancied being poor and growing on my own and just figuring things out. I don’t understand what is the meaning of mother father or other relations. Why are we bound to be around our tribe. I get the logic that surviving alone is difficult and to solve this one family becomes a tribe. Tahey survive and thrive together. I am just not sure if I want to do this.

Voice: I don’t know what to say. That does feel like something I want to do with you.

Me: hmm. Weren’t you suppose to counter my opinion. This does seem suspicious now. Why would you want to go on the solo expedition. Doesn’t this say that you also don’t trust people around and just looking for a escape.

Voice: Is it really a escape? What escape are you really looking for? Aren’t you be tackling people, that too strangers in your expedition? What do you want?

Me: idk, I feel lost. I guess it’s ok to be lost. Like I don’t know who I am anymore. I have never known myself. I want to do something and I will end up doing opposite. It amaze me how my brain works. My therapist says be open to experience. I tried. I m just so scared of spontaneity of human beings. Nothing is certain. My boyfriend is expecting me to say I love you or I got this or I care about you and I will fuck this up as an extremely trained assassin that it won’t get back to normal state ever.

Voice: “Spontaneity is something that’s missing from you.” I have seen people say that to you. You are very bland and mehh. No fun. No adrenaline.

Me: I hate when people do that. How much have they known me or actually spent time with me to understand me. I am tired of their behavio….

Voice: Didn’t you say u don’t trust people a YOU end up doing opposite of what is expected to do in your actions.

Me: That’s not how it works. People need to see. Idk. Don’t put me on spot and trigger guilt into me.

Voice: I am not doing this. It is what it is.

Me: Idk, idk dude. Why can’t I trust people?

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