Much lately I could not help but feel more strongly about love. My first love! It was electric, innocent, no demands, crazy crazy stupid fights day and nights, tears, less and more laughter, more fights, followed by makeup and struggle to understand each other. Nothing in common but the desire to be with each other, for each other. Just love I would say. I was too naive then to understand lust, but for me it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I never understood what love is, how this works, or what is talking your heart out to someone, being caring , truly liking somebody in a particular way and falling in love witheach aspect of their personality with no prejudice.
Before I could really get into it and realise what I actually have, it ended. Just abruptly everything was still. I didn’t even had time to soak in what just happened, to say goodbye to my feelings, to the person I thought I felt strongly about. And life was moving on.
In my head I believed first love is your only love, it will come back because its meant to be. Instead of accepting reality, I fantasised about life throwing hurdles and how much more filmy I can make the reunion. Now sometimes I wish, I actually had the guts to not fantasise but had expressed myself to the one person I always wanted to. Still being so naive and honest with my feeling.
Longer I dragged my imaginations while going around and trying my luck to find my better half, harder the reality became for me to accept. But it was never the same. No crazy undiluted love. It was always pragmatic; do we have anything in common, what are your hobbies, damn! thats a deal breaker, I am sorry this won’t work out, scared of commitment; on the contrary I remember with my first love, before we talked about hobbies or anything in common, we had established unsaid commitment without fear, that now it sounds so stupid.
I don’t know if your first love is the most unadulterated form of love, or as some people call it stupid first love and it grows better after that. Because what I have noticed, I have been the most courageous with my first love only ( though thats my nature not to express much and that too first) and after that I had catered my heart inside a cage to protect it, manipulating likes dislikes as if some maths riddle, demeaning other person’s outlook by saying we are not on the same line, sorry.
I dont know when everyone else grew up and decided to be mature. I was left out of hurdle. I am still not ready to be mature, be sane, not fight on stupid things, not be stubborn, or to not get my vacations , fail and cry in exams( which was the worst part but I would do it over and over again), fumbling and getting scared of speaking in assembly ( which I would do now like a pro).
Life is hard when u grow up. But I am setting my pace with reality.
Few things are beyond my understanding and this is what makes my blog happen.
Happy to be alive;